Tales from an extraordinary life

BABYLON AHOY FOR GASPING HUMAN GUMBO went the headline.
I was familiar with ‘Lord’ Caul Pin from the famous photo of his arrest in the grounds of Graceland dressed as a Jules Vernian ‘gill man’. But when I saw him cited in a recent book of alien abduction anecdotes (claiming that he had found himself surrounded by beaky failures), it occurred to me that this relic might still be alive and that I’d better have a word with him before he dried up and blew away. On the first of my three visits to his country cottage he came to the door with a bandaged arm. ‘A lion bit my elbow,’ he explained. ‘It was glad of the opportunity, I think.’ He would not be led on the notion that he was not in fact a ‘Lord’, but was more than forthcoming about the poisonous Earth Sandwich, his ability to swap his eyeballs around, his ‘lizard head’ experience and his espionage duties in Soviet Russia. We walked the countryside, Pin idly whistling a truck reversal warning and spotting the shapes of ‘angry friends’ in the clouds. He claimed to have a room full of his previous skulls and that if I ever found this room it would mean the end of me. He also claimed to have concrete evidence that actor Bruce Dern was the ‘holy spirit of the flies’.
In fact I came away doubting that anyone could ever shut up this garrulous bastard. ‘Seek my motives, by all means,’ Pin said. ‘And X-ray a banana while you’re at it.’ Then he croaked like a frog.
Satisfied or just weary? You decide.
Steve Aylett, 2003

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